July 10, 2008

Loyalty: a noun.  Synonymous with adherence, allegiance, bond, constancy, devotion, faith, faithfulness, fealty, honor, steadfastness, troth…. 

Need I go on.  Really, I can.  I was an English teacher after all and know how to use a Thesaurus. 

Most people who know my dear one and myself would apply these words to us.  We’ve been married for over thirty years, attended the same church for almost twenty-five years, stayed true and constant to those who call us friends, tithed faithfully, and raised four children through thick and thin.  Faithfulness isn’t something taken lightly in my house.  I think that almost everytime our pastor has prayed over my dear one, “a faithful man” is the phrase he uses.  That’s a strong indicator. 

But, tonight I struggle with breaking a loyalty.  (NO, not divorcing!)  With removing my self from a commitment that I feel I can no longer sustain.  With walking away from a long-term relationship. 

And, it breaks my heart. 

When do you walk away from something you have had in your life for almost half of your adult life?  How do you decide when to remove loyalties, break a fealty? 

Perhaps when the relationship is no longer healthy.  When it’s like being codependent.  When your heart is broken and there is probably no fixing it.  When you see no other way.  When the others involved are on a self-destructive path and won’t hear. 

Tonight I struggle.  I am angry.  Hurt.  Incredulous.  Betrayed.  Oh, did I say angry?  Well, I am. 

I know this post is vague.  I have very strong feelings tonight, but don’t feel that it would be right to share the specifics of my struggle with the world.  So, out of respect, I won’t air “dirty laundry” on the internet.  I know very well that I will have to forgive.  And, I will.  But I’m not sure the relationship will continue.  And, for that, I grieve. 

Psalm 12:1

To the chief Musician upon Sheminith, A Psalm of David.]] Help, LORD; for the godly man ceaseth; for the faithful fail from among the children of men.